..I'm sorry to say that I really can't figure out a good hook for this (..when did blogging become like English class, anyway?), so I'm just gonna jump right in and hope it comes out like I want it to.
Alright, so my Nana died November 30. 2010. For most people who know me, this is old news. However, since then, I've been pretty dang depressed. That's to be expected, I realize that. After all, we all grieve in our own ways, and we all grieve for different amounts of time.
However, I've just been sitting in this dark room and feeling sorry for myself ever since she died (..well, I go to school and hang out with my friends every once-in-a-while.).
Yet, today, I got my magazine, as per the usual, Discovery Girl. Yes, it's a girl's magazine that I've probably outgrown. I don't care. :P
Nonetheless, I read an article titled 'Losing My Nana'. It basically was the story of a girl who lost her Nana, and went throught the process of grieving, and her grades started dropping, yadda yadda, and how she got through it. I, being the ever-so-curious teenager I am, read through the thing, and was surprised to read that there are people out there going through situations similar to mine. (..I know..Kinda late to that realization..)
However, as with everything, there were some key differences between our stories. (..This is probably very repetitive for my actual friends who have had to read this like..8 times before or somehting. Whatever.)
Nana was my second mother, since my parents had to work all of the time. For the longest time, I saw her more than I saw my actual parents, and even after my parents finally got their lives together, I saw her quite often. I had grown very accustomed to having her in my everyday life. I learned so much from her, including how to be who I am. Because of her, I am who I am today. Without her, I could be one of those people who has no idea how to express themselves, you know..one of the boring people in the world.
..moving along..
So, after I'd known her for basically my whole freakin' life, she got really sick. She was in and out of the hospital, and..well..it wasn't fun. At all. But she'd started getting better around last July, so we'd all though that it was just a scare, and she was alright. I'd went back to her house for a belated birthday dinner, and all was fine, until she and I sat down together. 'For a talk' she said.
She'd told me that she didn't have much longer to live, and that she'd wanted me to have a snowglobe that we'd bought her whilst we were visiting my Grandmother in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. I didn't want to hear any of that, so I changed the subject, because even the thought of not having Nana in my life was just..unthinkable. Wrong somehow. I didn't think I'd ever lose her. She was like...like superman, except she had no weakness, no kryptonite.
..Well, after that, she'd gotten back in the hospital. She was bleeding out on the inside, and they couldn't help her. Thanksgiving day, we went to see her in the hospital, to wish her a happy thanksgiving and whatnot. She was having trouble breathing and she couldn't really think straight. The only thing I could do for her was put on her socks becuase her feet were cold and talk to her a little. When we left, all I said to her was 'See y'all later! Get better, now Nana, you hear?'
That was the last time I ever saw or spoke to her again. Five days later, Papa made the choice to take her off of life support and let her go.
After that, I suppose, I was angry. Angry at my mother for not letting me see Nana, angry at my brother for being able to visit her more, and angry at the world for everything it seemed to be doing wrong. I was even angry at a God that I wasn't even sure I believed in. The next day at school, I told two of my favorite teachers what happened, broke down in tears, and had to have a good friend of mine, Aaron, escort me to my homeroom and fend off the people who were swarming around me to ask me what was wrong. (I'll never forget that. Aaron, if you're out there reading this, I'm eternally grateful to you for that) I was a mess, and I never really got over it.
I tried though. Lord knows I tried. However, I was just too messed up. I went to her funeral, I saw her body in the cascet, and I gave tissues to my older brother who cried tears for the both of us.
And, I tried to move on with my life.
Sadly, I wasn't able to really be able to do that. I had to start seeing my Guidance counselor every other couple of days so he could see what was up. It was not fun, and I was not a happy child. Of course, there were those moments, and sometimes even those days when I felt that I was okay, and that I would make it through everything. Then again, there were those moments when I felt like the world was coming down on me and I just had to cry my eyes out. I was on what my Guidance Counselor, Mr. Fritz, called an 'emotional rollercoaster'.
It was painful, but I couldn't bear to let my friends see what I was going through. What kind of friend would I be? That's what I thought. So I just suffered quietly. It was easier that way..
Well, now, I think I can really make it. I can't just sit around all day and feel miserable. She's gone, I realize that. I realize I won't be able to talk to her, or hug her, or tell her I love her. But I can wear her necklace and remember all the funny talks we had. I can search for the comfort I need. Why, just yesterday, I bought a cross. Maybe I'll try out my religion again, see if that helps.
Nonetheless, I need to get a move on with my life. Time waits for no man, and he doth not wait for me. (yeah, I altered it. Deal with it)
Besides, I know that's what my Nana would want. She wouldn't want me to hurt like this.
And so, my few readers, a message to you. No matter what you're going through, know that you're going to make it. Even if it sounds like a way over done halmark card with half the glitter missing and a sucky illustration, it's true. We're human beings. We're meant to get through these things. After all, we can't live forever, and when you really think about it, who would want to? Live your life in their memory, and lift your head and just smile. Smile, smile, smile and smile some more, and laugh, and joke, and remember the good times. And every-once-in-a-while, go to that nice isolated corner, and cry. That's fine. It's totally cool.
And feel happy again. Talk to your friends, buy a huge mountain of stuffed animals, and discover a new love for extreme-hyped-up-happier-than-a-room-full-of-kittens music. Watch anime, if that helps you (Hetalia lightens the soul, my friends)
And hey, if it helps, I'm here for you. I might not know you, persay, but hey. You wanna talk? Send me a message. Email me. Whatever helps you.
I'm helping myself, and I'm helping you.
..Weird..my original idea for my next blog was going to be about a rainbow ninja. I guess I'll save that one for next time.
Asta la pasta! :D
A day in the life of an out of the usual teenager
